14 - The Neti-Chronicles

Am I really going to use something that is labeled a “nose bidet’? I’m finding this hard to believe. The specialist says it will help so I know I need to use it but I’m more than slightly alarmed by the idea. I’m not buying all of the claims that it is a pleasant or soothing sensation. I’ve been putting it off for too long though. I need to do my research and whip up a batch of salty sinus soothing sensation!

The first thing I notice is that my neti-pot isn’t the classy kind. I am too cheap to spring for the porcelain model and I’m instead going to rock out with a “free sample” version that my nose and throat doctor gave me. Although, on the plus side it doesn’t have the appearance of one model from Norway that looks like it belongs in an adult store. I’m not an expert on the topic and it may be the name of “rhino horn” that is throwing me but something just isn’t right with that one. To be honest, mine is rather boring compared to the other models. Mine isn’t even shaped in a way that is conducive to singing “I’m a little teapot” or rather, “my nose is a little teacup.” The variety of designs is astonishing. They even sell more decorative ones for when you apparently need your sinus cleaner to make a fashion statement.

I learned something terrifying in my studies. Oprah recommends it. In my opinion, anything Oprah recommends is either painful or depressing. Or, if you’ve ever read something from her book club: both. Why does Oprah need something to wash out her sinuses? Can’t she employ an army of little people to hose down the old nose each night? I’m a do it yourself kind of girl though. I’m also afraid I’ll now be having nightmares about oomph-loompas coming at my nose with garden hoses. Great.

I found the videos about neti-pots more hilarious than informative. I’m also noticing a strong connection between mullets and the neti-pot. I wonder if I will have to get a new hairdo if I start using this thing on a regular basis? I have to say that it is already helping me. They say laughter is the best medicine and I haven’t laughed as hard as I did during mustache-man’s infomercial in a long time. I now know that I can talk while I am cleansing my nose. After how many years of marriage does that become something you are comfortable doing? My Mum is insisting on supervising me the first time I use it but that’s due to the fact that she’s afraid I’ll manage to drown myself due to my abnormal sinus situation. She loves me no matter what anyway. I like to take my prosthesis out every now and then and yell, “Ma, get my teeth!” just for kicks. I feel that most people probably don’t have that same kind of bond and I’m a little disturbed that he felt the need to reassure me that I can continue my normal conversation. I’m also more than a bit disturbed by the disclaimer that it is nothing like waterboarding torture. That's good to know because I was worried!

All kidding aside I have learned a lot about sinus cleansing. I hope that it is as life-changing as all of these testimonials claim. Ireland was the only relief I have had in my chronic sinus infections since I had my surgeries. A container filled with salt water is slightly cheaper. Speaking of costs, I’m extremely relieved to see that you can mix your own solution. I need to pick up non-iodized salt tomorrow. The general consensus is that ¼ of a teaspoon per 8 ounces of warm water is all I need. Why do people pay for already measured packets? That’s a new level of lazy.

I’m truly amazed by how popular these things are. I find it rather maddening that it wasn’t suggested that I try one before! There are actual blogs devoted entirely to talking about neti-pots and sinus cleansing! And if that wasn’t amazing enough, I have discovered that several entire books were written on the subject. I’m in awe of this phenomenon. It’s used for allergies and most sites talk a lot about how it helps the cilia function but that is useless to me. I have a “damaged mucociliary transport system.” Basically, my body isn’t doing the job so I need to do it manually. I don’t even have the cilia that they are so enthralled with discussing.

I feel a little bit intimidated that it is linked to Ayurveda because I studied a lot of Ayurvedic techniques when I was considering an apprenticeship as a massage therapist. I was a bit turned off of the idea when I read so many completely off the wall and sometimes dangerous treatments. But, I’m all about alternative medicine if it will actually work and I continue to experiment with anything from licorice pills for IBS (all I can say: ouch!) to fish oil for my dry eyes (works brilliantly and I no longer have “plugs”). Anything that will keep me from needing so many antibiotics would be a wonderful thing. Sinus irrigation is a lot simpler than I had imagined. It is also a lot more popular. Now, if all the kids were jumping off a bridge I wouldn’t jump too but snorting water? That I’ll do!