Our anniversary is next month. Four years of this crazy relationship.  You’re mad and you want to give up. I know that. You’ve made that abundantly clear. But, I’m not going to give up on you. I know I’ve cursed you out over the years and said horrible things but I didn’t mean them. I woke up every hour last night and hated you so much. Yet another trip to the fridge in the middle of the night to try to dull the pain. You have caused me so much pain. I can’t think about anything but you when you hurt me and yet I callously forget all that you have sacrificed when you’re not causing me pain. So I want to take this opportunity to thank you.

I could never replace you. There will never be another you. I don’t know what I would have done without you. You did what others could never do. You know that! You know that they left. They couldn’t do their jobs. They were poison and they tried to get to you but you were too strong for that. You not only stayed strong but you stepped in and filled the void. For almost four years you have carried me and shielded me from their absence the best that you could. I appreciate it, I really do. You’ve given me support for so long. It’s too easy to forget that while you may cause me pain, you also prevent it. You have kept me from so much.

My shame over showing you to people embarrasses me. It’s not you though, it’s the neighborhood. The last boyfriend I had didn’t appreciate you but this one does. Yes he flinched when he saw you. Yes he was scared. But he took photos of you that night in Ireland. Yes yes, you can say that that was only about me. And I know you’re right but I bet he could sketch you from memory. Christian realizes how much I need you and how much I love you. I’m sorry that I don’t shout it from the rooftops. But, at least I don’t have to be embarrassed anymore. He’ll certainly be mad when he gets off his plane and hears about your recent behavior but he’ll get over it. So will I.

That’s why I need you to stay. Please stop this insanity. You’re beautiful. I’ll continue to take care of you. I can even do better. What more can I do? What can I buy you? What do you need? I can’t accept your leaving. I hope that isn’t really what this fight is about. I know that I cut you down. This relationship is brittle. I wish things weren’t so fragile. But darling, even when you’re half of what you used to be you’re still more than I ever expected possible.

Tonight I’m going to close my eyes and pray for you. I’ll wash my hair tonight and we’ll sleep on any decisions. Tomorrow if you’re still angry I’ll do what needs to be done. We’ll go to the hospital if that’s what you need. We’ll get more drugs for you. We’ll make adjustments. I’ll get a phone number for someone local and find someone who can make you more comfortable. We don’t even have to drive to Boston. We’ll make it through this. I know that I can’t keep you forever but I’m not willing to give up on you yet. I love you. Please get better. I love you so much Hero Tooth.